My son heads off for the final time in a few weeks. His older bro is already done Uni.
I agree Shawn (to your just now comment in Notes) it is such a strange time of life. It’s had me grappling on the floor more than once and it wasn’t pretty🤣
As it seems you’re doing, I’ve had to work hard to find my centre and move forward from there.
Thank you for sharing this. I totally identify with those feelings of wanting to hold on, of realizing each day that our time is getting shorter with our growing kids before things drastically change.
I have a 20 year old who left home at the very start of the pandemic. He was only 18 at the time.
It felt like one of the worst times of my wife and I's marriage.
There were so many reasons why he left... but sadly none of them included going away to school. That would have been a successful leaving at least.
Instead, it felt like we slowly lost him...or maybe we pushed each other away without meaning too.
I'm still not completely sure how it all came apart.
But he walked away from everything:
His dreams to become a film director.
His faith.
And for a while....us.
We felt like complete failures as parents.
So many times I felt like a complete failure as a father.
And then there was my day job - Chaplain. How could I call myself that when my son was pushing hard in the opposite direction in every way he possibly could?
That was such a pain-filled time for us.
I know this is true: we rarely get to see the design being woven around us. I know for me I can hardly, if ever, notice how God is creating something good out of what often feels like the giant messes in my life. At least I can't see it in the moment.
But when I look back over my life at some of the things I know only He could have brought me through.... my marriage through, my family through.... that design is stunning.
Today, right this minute, our 20 year old is sitting across from me playing FIFA2023, his favorite X-box game. He asked if he could move back in with us a few months ago.
We were delighted to welcome him back - and totally recognize that God had worked a miracle in just his asking to come home.
But the story is still unfolding.
It's still so messy in places that we have no idea where it's going or how it will end up.
So many, "this is not what I thought this point in my life would be like" moments.
And so many times where all my wife and I can do together is try to pray.
But somehow... there's a design happening around us.
I don't see where it's going today, but I hope I am learning to trust in the Designer.
That's been my experience so far in this time of transition. Thank you for asking. :)
I believe God has a mighty design taking shape in and around your life and your family's life too.
This is beautiful, Shawn. Thank you for sharing these tender moments...it helps as we walk the parallel road. In just 5 short years, we will be “empty nesters” here and I’m holding these moments like treasures because I know how it’s all like water in our hands....
Middle school lasts here until the kids are 18. Then we have either university or High School but because Belgium is such a small country most students travel from home to school. Some students can afford to rent a room in another city to study.
This means that I am not familiar with the loss and grief and letting go that many American parents go through when their kids go to college but I have some American friends and I know the grief of not having my boys (19) here 50% of the time as a result of an unwanted divorce.
If it helps, I’ve been through this transition three times now with two sons and a daughter. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, leaving part of myself at a dorm or apartment, a long way away from home.
Our oldest had a rough transition. I was so glad we hadn’t let him take his car because he would’ve packed up and come home. We spent *hours* on the phone and this new thing called a webcam (ha). I likened it to running alongside his bike, while he found his way. So many prayers! I can’t tell you how many times I hung up the phone and sobbed for his pain. But also knew he needed this time to find his inner strength. He’s a teacher now, living in the Colorado mountains with his wife, whom he met in their ROTC program that freshman fall. She started showing up in the care package unboxing webcam calls, and I knew she’d be the one for him! They married the day after graduation and moved to San Diego so she could fulfill her Navy duties.
Our second son left three years later, three days after high school graduation, moving only 2 hours west to attend a fire academy. My oldest helped us move him into an apartment. We slept there and then I sobbed so hard after we left that my oldest had to ask if I was going to be ok or did he need to pull over.
My daughter was ready for us to leave her dorm so she could arrange everything the way SHE wanted and begin to get to know her suitemates. Her first couple of days were full of activities and it was what I needed to feel better about leaving her far away (and without a car). She’s in grad school at Georgetown now, living in a little apartment on her own, and finding her way. I still cry when we part but I’m also ridiculously proud of her and how she’s grown up enough to reach out when she wants reassurance or to talk something over. She came home as a surprise last month, and we got last-minute Taylor Swift tickets, and she was the only one I would’ve wanted to go with and it a magical (very loud) night.
I guess what I’m saying is that the melancholy ache that it sounds like you’re feeling is so very normal and is evidence of the deep love and care that you’ve poured into your daughter. And the painful tenderness of letting her fly into something new and unknown and the prayers that she’ll be ok are all utterly relatable 💕
It’s been 14 years since I sent my oldest off to Notre Dame (20 minutes from home but he might as well have been oceans away). Six years ago, my youngest moved 8 hours away, with the two middle kiddos leaving somewhere in the middle. Each time was an adjustment. Each goodbye brought sadness and joy.
Those words about holding your daughter’s hand brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful. And even though we let go, we never really let go.
My son heads off for the final time in a few weeks. His older bro is already done Uni.
I agree Shawn (to your just now comment in Notes) it is such a strange time of life. It’s had me grappling on the floor more than once and it wasn’t pretty🤣
As it seems you’re doing, I’ve had to work hard to find my centre and move forward from there.
I know those grappling on the floor moments! I hope your son has a wonderful last year at uni.
Thanks, same to your daughter.
Shawn,
Thank you for sharing this. I totally identify with those feelings of wanting to hold on, of realizing each day that our time is getting shorter with our growing kids before things drastically change.
I have a 20 year old who left home at the very start of the pandemic. He was only 18 at the time.
It felt like one of the worst times of my wife and I's marriage.
There were so many reasons why he left... but sadly none of them included going away to school. That would have been a successful leaving at least.
Instead, it felt like we slowly lost him...or maybe we pushed each other away without meaning too.
I'm still not completely sure how it all came apart.
But he walked away from everything:
His dreams to become a film director.
His faith.
And for a while....us.
We felt like complete failures as parents.
So many times I felt like a complete failure as a father.
And then there was my day job - Chaplain. How could I call myself that when my son was pushing hard in the opposite direction in every way he possibly could?
That was such a pain-filled time for us.
I know this is true: we rarely get to see the design being woven around us. I know for me I can hardly, if ever, notice how God is creating something good out of what often feels like the giant messes in my life. At least I can't see it in the moment.
But when I look back over my life at some of the things I know only He could have brought me through.... my marriage through, my family through.... that design is stunning.
Today, right this minute, our 20 year old is sitting across from me playing FIFA2023, his favorite X-box game. He asked if he could move back in with us a few months ago.
We were delighted to welcome him back - and totally recognize that God had worked a miracle in just his asking to come home.
But the story is still unfolding.
It's still so messy in places that we have no idea where it's going or how it will end up.
So many, "this is not what I thought this point in my life would be like" moments.
And so many times where all my wife and I can do together is try to pray.
But somehow... there's a design happening around us.
I don't see where it's going today, but I hope I am learning to trust in the Designer.
That's been my experience so far in this time of transition. Thank you for asking. :)
I believe God has a mighty design taking shape in and around your life and your family's life too.
Thanks for sharing that, Aaron. We do rarely get to see the design being woven around us...so true. Thanks for that reminder.
This is beautiful, Shawn. Thank you for sharing these tender moments...it helps as we walk the parallel road. In just 5 short years, we will be “empty nesters” here and I’m holding these moments like treasures because I know how it’s all like water in our hands....
Middle school lasts here until the kids are 18. Then we have either university or High School but because Belgium is such a small country most students travel from home to school. Some students can afford to rent a room in another city to study.
This means that I am not familiar with the loss and grief and letting go that many American parents go through when their kids go to college but I have some American friends and I know the grief of not having my boys (19) here 50% of the time as a result of an unwanted divorce.
If it helps, I’ve been through this transition three times now with two sons and a daughter. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, leaving part of myself at a dorm or apartment, a long way away from home.
Our oldest had a rough transition. I was so glad we hadn’t let him take his car because he would’ve packed up and come home. We spent *hours* on the phone and this new thing called a webcam (ha). I likened it to running alongside his bike, while he found his way. So many prayers! I can’t tell you how many times I hung up the phone and sobbed for his pain. But also knew he needed this time to find his inner strength. He’s a teacher now, living in the Colorado mountains with his wife, whom he met in their ROTC program that freshman fall. She started showing up in the care package unboxing webcam calls, and I knew she’d be the one for him! They married the day after graduation and moved to San Diego so she could fulfill her Navy duties.
Our second son left three years later, three days after high school graduation, moving only 2 hours west to attend a fire academy. My oldest helped us move him into an apartment. We slept there and then I sobbed so hard after we left that my oldest had to ask if I was going to be ok or did he need to pull over.
My daughter was ready for us to leave her dorm so she could arrange everything the way SHE wanted and begin to get to know her suitemates. Her first couple of days were full of activities and it was what I needed to feel better about leaving her far away (and without a car). She’s in grad school at Georgetown now, living in a little apartment on her own, and finding her way. I still cry when we part but I’m also ridiculously proud of her and how she’s grown up enough to reach out when she wants reassurance or to talk something over. She came home as a surprise last month, and we got last-minute Taylor Swift tickets, and she was the only one I would’ve wanted to go with and it a magical (very loud) night.
I guess what I’m saying is that the melancholy ache that it sounds like you’re feeling is so very normal and is evidence of the deep love and care that you’ve poured into your daughter. And the painful tenderness of letting her fly into something new and unknown and the prayers that she’ll be ok are all utterly relatable 💕
This is so beautiful, Joan. Thanks for taking the time to write it, and thanks for your encouragement.
The poetry of your father heart is so touching and rich. You capture the beautiful ache of letting go at this stage
It’s been 14 years since I sent my oldest off to Notre Dame (20 minutes from home but he might as well have been oceans away). Six years ago, my youngest moved 8 hours away, with the two middle kiddos leaving somewhere in the middle. Each time was an adjustment. Each goodbye brought sadness and joy.
Those words about holding your daughter’s hand brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful. And even though we let go, we never really let go.