One Bright Star

Something I wrote one week before Lucy left for college.

Maile has started writing a weekly newsletter about plant-based, whole food cooking, plus reflections on family and life. You can check out what she’s doing, and subscribe to her new Substack, HERE.

One week before
she leaves us, anxious
about everything and nothing,
I ask my daughter if she will walk
with me around the block,
through night air I hope
will do us both
some good.

We set out
on the dark street with few lights. It is an old
neighborhood where dogs still roam unleashed
and the houses are mismatched
and the trees hide us from the main roads
that go south to the sea. It has been a refuge
for us, this house, through rough waters.

There in the dark
I reach over as we walk
and take her hand.
She squeezes mine.

It is the first
time we have held hands since she was . . .  
how old? I cannot remember. Twelve? Ten?
Much younger, in those long-ago
years, when her hand
was small and she fretted about
small things.

Now that she is 18, her fears walk along
with us, like other people on the road. I
can hear them murmuring.
Sometimes, now that she is 18,
I can only listen because I have many
of the same questions and doubts and
worries.

On we go, her breathing slowly
easing, but still, she holds my hand right
up until we are at the front door. Bugs
fly around the porch lights. I admit
I do not want to let go. I wonder
how long
it will be before
I hold her hand again.
She goes inside.

But I sit in the rocking chair
on the front porch. How electric
her life is! How much better the world
will be with her creativity in it!
I want her to go.
I do not want her to go.
Both can be true.

I forgot to say
that the night was humid
and warm, and the street was quiet, and one
bright star hung in the sky, over the cul-de-sac.

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Based on a few of the replies I got from my last post, I can tell that some of you might be concerned about me. And I so appreciate everyone’s kind words and encouragement. But I do want to reassure you—I am very much enjoying life right now! It’s just that no one told me life in your late-40s would be so full of all these intense emotions, and there has been a lot of loss this year, and many changes, but for the most part, I’m doing really well. Reevaluating what’s important. Trying to decide how to move forward in my writing.

I’m so thankful that you all take the time to read what I write, click “like” or comment or share it with your friends. I love writing in this space, and your encouragement and support help me to do it.

Feel free to forward this email (or share the link) with any of your friends who might have kids heading off this fall! And, if you haven’t yet subscribed as a paying or free subscriber, click the button! The annual subscription is still half-price until Thursday (normally $70, but right now only $35).

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Finally, as I mentioned at the top of the page, make sure you head on over to my new favorite Substack, Mai Time in the Kitchen, and subscribe! Maile is such a talented writer, and she has a lot of important things to say and encouragement to offer. (She’s also a wonderful cook and has been dedicated to eating plant-based, whole foods for the last many years, so if you’re on that path or curious what it could look like, you’ll love her writing.)

You can check out what she’s doing, and subscribe to her new Substack, HERE.

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Anyone else have kids heading off this fall, either as young adults or as little people beginning a new stage of their journey? I’d love to get your take on these transitions in the comments!