They say you should never go to bed angry with your spouse, which in theory is all well and good and something we tried hard to practice in our early marriage years, except I’m (occasionally) a passive-aggressive Enneagram 9 who waits too long to get in the first word, so that by the time I start telling Maile how angry I am about something, she’s asleep. Reality is often where good advice goes to die.
Shawn, your gift for communicating is so very welcome.
I'm reading this on the morning of my 50th anniversary outside on my deck in the comfort and beauty of a day filled with bird song and sunshine.
.
I think you are onto something. Someone asked us recently what our secret was to being married for 50 years. No secret except for the grace of God's glue and two people who decide to stay married.
Nothing super compelling or sexy about it, just a day by day decision to begin again and love each other.
I love this Jody - "No secret except for the grace of God's glue and two people who decide to stay married." Well said. You sure need both, don't you? I am blessed to be able to say that 22 years into my marriage. I'm so thankful for God's glue and His grace, and for my wife who keeps sticking in that glue with me. :)
People sometimes look at us when they hear that we're celebrating 39 years this year, and ask us what the secret is. There are no secrets to a happy marriage that I know of. People say you have to fight to make it work, an old man I once met said the secret was to hope you don't fall out of love at the same time. That made sense. We say the answer is humour.
I ran across a poem in Ada Calhoun’s “Wedding Toasts I’ll Never Give” called “The Longly Weds Know” and your post reminded me of it. I think you’d like it. Beautiful writing!
"Reality is often where good advice goes to die" is such a great summary of things that are so often grievous and uncomfortable and so.so.real. but not discussed in polite conversation. I want to say to hell with that dishonest pretense. You've presented such an inviting picture of honesty and openness and health (I'm assuming that if you weren't in a healthy place of communication this sort of transparency wouldn't be possible). I love it. It's permission-giving and grace-filled and hopeful.
Totally agree, Luke. I also resonated with that line: "Reality is often where good advice goes to die." More open discussion around those very real and very uncomfortable moments/seasons of life or marriage are badly needed.
It feels like you can breath again when you find out someone else has experienced what you are going through or something similar.
It totally sucks the life out of you when people hide what really happens and paint a perfect picture of themselves.
Shawn, this was beautiful...maybe that sounds cliche but from the vantage point of a seperation a lot longer than wandering off the another bed, whether the seperation is "short" or unbearably long, I still believe when two people who are willing to "do what it takes" find their way bath to each other it is a beautiful thing. that's a long sentence, but i think you get the drift.
PS: I have always loved you writing, your stories, and this is not exception.
Oof. I love this so much. So truly funny. And truly true. Thank you. (Also, side note, I totally took your "occasionally" in reference to your Ennegram to mean that you're sometimes a 9 and sometimes another number. Totally not the way Ennegram works, I know. And not how you meant it. But it made me laugh because I'm a 9, too, except when I'm having a fight with my husband who is also a 9. And then I default to either an 8 or a 1. Poor guy never gets the first word. But I'm more likely to be the one to do what you did here. (I guess he just forgives me quicker than I forgive him.)
Thanks for sharing this Shawn. I have had those moments of hesitating too long to try and talk about something...and then she is sleeping. Man do I know what that feels like. I also totally agree: sometimes reality is where good advice goes to die. (Loved that line!) I've had several times where my wife and I fell asleep angry. Awful times. Restless sleep times. But boy am I thankful that we have managed to work through those times. Sometimes with the help of others. Sometimes through just slogging it out together. But yeah...those moments sure happen.
Shawn, your gift for communicating is so very welcome.
I'm reading this on the morning of my 50th anniversary outside on my deck in the comfort and beauty of a day filled with bird song and sunshine.
.
I think you are onto something. Someone asked us recently what our secret was to being married for 50 years. No secret except for the grace of God's glue and two people who decide to stay married.
Nothing super compelling or sexy about it, just a day by day decision to begin again and love each other.
I love this Jody - "No secret except for the grace of God's glue and two people who decide to stay married." Well said. You sure need both, don't you? I am blessed to be able to say that 22 years into my marriage. I'm so thankful for God's glue and His grace, and for my wife who keeps sticking in that glue with me. :)
People sometimes look at us when they hear that we're celebrating 39 years this year, and ask us what the secret is. There are no secrets to a happy marriage that I know of. People say you have to fight to make it work, an old man I once met said the secret was to hope you don't fall out of love at the same time. That made sense. We say the answer is humour.
I ran across a poem in Ada Calhoun’s “Wedding Toasts I’ll Never Give” called “The Longly Weds Know” and your post reminded me of it. I think you’d like it. Beautiful writing!
"Reality is often where good advice goes to die" is such a great summary of things that are so often grievous and uncomfortable and so.so.real. but not discussed in polite conversation. I want to say to hell with that dishonest pretense. You've presented such an inviting picture of honesty and openness and health (I'm assuming that if you weren't in a healthy place of communication this sort of transparency wouldn't be possible). I love it. It's permission-giving and grace-filled and hopeful.
Thank you.
Totally agree, Luke. I also resonated with that line: "Reality is often where good advice goes to die." More open discussion around those very real and very uncomfortable moments/seasons of life or marriage are badly needed.
It feels like you can breath again when you find out someone else has experienced what you are going through or something similar.
It totally sucks the life out of you when people hide what really happens and paint a perfect picture of themselves.
Shawn, this was beautiful...maybe that sounds cliche but from the vantage point of a seperation a lot longer than wandering off the another bed, whether the seperation is "short" or unbearably long, I still believe when two people who are willing to "do what it takes" find their way bath to each other it is a beautiful thing. that's a long sentence, but i think you get the drift.
PS: I have always loved you writing, your stories, and this is not exception.
So...it's not just me? 😬
Oof. I love this so much. So truly funny. And truly true. Thank you. (Also, side note, I totally took your "occasionally" in reference to your Ennegram to mean that you're sometimes a 9 and sometimes another number. Totally not the way Ennegram works, I know. And not how you meant it. But it made me laugh because I'm a 9, too, except when I'm having a fight with my husband who is also a 9. And then I default to either an 8 or a 1. Poor guy never gets the first word. But I'm more likely to be the one to do what you did here. (I guess he just forgives me quicker than I forgive him.)
Thanks for sharing this Shawn. I have had those moments of hesitating too long to try and talk about something...and then she is sleeping. Man do I know what that feels like. I also totally agree: sometimes reality is where good advice goes to die. (Loved that line!) I've had several times where my wife and I fell asleep angry. Awful times. Restless sleep times. But boy am I thankful that we have managed to work through those times. Sometimes with the help of others. Sometimes through just slogging it out together. But yeah...those moments sure happen.
How did you describe my own behavior during evening marriage conflict so perfectly?? But truly, this sums up so much so beautifully.