This brought me to tears - such a familiar narrative for women to lose themselves, but I love the tender way the whole family made space for re-membering. My mum told me, when I was in my 20s, how she had lost herself, lost her way, and I never forgot that. It's been helpful to me through my parenting journey too, to keep to my own inner compass and to notice when I'm off course
Shawn, it's moving that you and Maile addressed this as a family, in a way that shows your children how to work together as a family and how to respond to the needs before them. This will give them strength and compassion and resourcefulness in their own adult lives!
Sounds so much like something that my 4- or 9-year-old would say to me now. And makes me cringe at the ways I've even subconsciously conditioned them to endorse this model while preaching the opposite.
I'm in the thick of this right now and am grateful my husband was able to see what was crippling me--he spotted it before I did. And now we're trying to make space for me to still write, or have time to think in order to write. And I'm trying to identify the dead-spots in my life where my brain has fertile ground to work through character motivations and plot knots while my hands are doing something else like dishes or laundry. But it is hard to find time with little kids who need so much. And how do you strike a balance so that the primary working spouse isn't overloaded to paid work and housework so much that you end up with an imbalance the other direction?
Right now, I just remind myself on days I fail to make time to write that this is a season. A hard-good-hard season, but still a season. And seeing people making it work and coming out on the other side to a flourishing space (and relationships with spouse and kids intact) is so encouraging. Thank you.
I love this. I went much longer than 15 years, but I remember so clearly the panic of realizing, 'Maybe this is it. Maybe this is all there is to me, to my life, to my marriage. Maybe I just don't get to pursue any of my dreams after all.' I am so glad that you all supported her and she found her way back.
What a beautiful mini-memoir of your lives together, your dreams of the past, and your dreams restored. I had contemplated NOT going to our area's writers conference this November because it begins the day after the election. My worries of upheaval still haunt me. But, I know just being around others who love words, love stories is worth everything to me, to the little girl inside me who loves books.
I do not know how my parents found their way out of the 1960s stereotype but they did. Both teachers but somewhere they seemed uninterested in others opinions. My dad cooked, baked, grocery shopped, was a wood craft artist, one year he ran my Brownie troop! But, as a young teen, he sat my sisters and I down and explained my mom wanted to get her masters degree and we all were responsible for helping her do so. The only thing he didn’t modify was Monday Methodist men bowling so 3 girls sat at the bar, did homework overseen by a bowling alley of men who took turns checking math and spelling.
They honored each other- as you have-what a blessing for your children.
Shawn, this post has stayed with me and I have mulled it over quite a bit in the past few days. I know that you and Maile both post on your lives regularly, but I wonder if you would consider writing a follow-up, perhaps alone or perhaps jointly, to this post. Where are you now in this endeavor? Yes, I know, a bookshop! But what have been the practices that have gotten you from the first 4-6 p.m. to where you are now, and what does where you are now look like in terms of the whole family working together to meet everyone's needs?
I'm also curious as to how this has played out aside from the professional and writing work. Was this all the lack of a professional life for Maile, or were there other things? I know that for many of us, there is a personal/family culture aspect beyond just a need for time and space to write/do professional things?
Your story about setting aside time for Maile to write, getting the whole family involved, and emphasizing the importance of following dreams is just wonderful. It shows how small changes and open conversations can make a big difference. I’m curious, how did you manage to balance your writing with daily life?
Well, Shawn. Now I'm crying. Doing this as a family is the only way we've even begun to make this work. And for me it's barely working, but that it's working at all, is a gift. It moved me to be reminded, in your example, how much my husband has worked, again and again, to rearrange what little margin there is to help me pursue my gifts beyond home. How my kids have, little by little, learned to champion mom's work as a writer and to pitch in to make the space possible (or even to leave encouraging comments on mom's posts).
This is beautiful Shawn. And a much needed warning for this father of an eight year old daughter who spends her summer days and nights after school writing (and illustrating) stories in little lined journals... May I tend faithfully to the fire that God has given her to carry.
As always, I love the honesty in your writing; thank you for sharing your story with us. Isn't it beautiful how God calls us to Himself, even in all the twists and turns?
Annnnd now I'm crying. What a beautiful, heart wrenching conversation to have and a really difficult pivot to make but dang, it's so important! I love the part where you look your girls in the face and tell them it will be easy to lose themselves, too. And how you and Maile are working on modeling a different way--not perfect, but trying! I will be returning to this. Often. Thank you.
This brought me to tears - such a familiar narrative for women to lose themselves, but I love the tender way the whole family made space for re-membering. My mum told me, when I was in my 20s, how she had lost herself, lost her way, and I never forgot that. It's been helpful to me through my parenting journey too, to keep to my own inner compass and to notice when I'm off course
Such a familiar narrative, yes.
It is so beautiful that your mother told you about her experience with this. What a gift!
Shawn, it's moving that you and Maile addressed this as a family, in a way that shows your children how to work together as a family and how to respond to the needs before them. This will give them strength and compassion and resourcefulness in their own adult lives!
Tears for me too, my kids are now grown and I’m only just beginning to find myself again.
Sounds so much like something that my 4- or 9-year-old would say to me now. And makes me cringe at the ways I've even subconsciously conditioned them to endorse this model while preaching the opposite.
I'm in the thick of this right now and am grateful my husband was able to see what was crippling me--he spotted it before I did. And now we're trying to make space for me to still write, or have time to think in order to write. And I'm trying to identify the dead-spots in my life where my brain has fertile ground to work through character motivations and plot knots while my hands are doing something else like dishes or laundry. But it is hard to find time with little kids who need so much. And how do you strike a balance so that the primary working spouse isn't overloaded to paid work and housework so much that you end up with an imbalance the other direction?
Right now, I just remind myself on days I fail to make time to write that this is a season. A hard-good-hard season, but still a season. And seeing people making it work and coming out on the other side to a flourishing space (and relationships with spouse and kids intact) is so encouraging. Thank you.
This made me cry…”we tend gently and faithfully to the fire that each of us carries”. Isn’t this love?
I love this. I went much longer than 15 years, but I remember so clearly the panic of realizing, 'Maybe this is it. Maybe this is all there is to me, to my life, to my marriage. Maybe I just don't get to pursue any of my dreams after all.' I am so glad that you all supported her and she found her way back.
I felt so seen in this post
I love this so much. Hope for the next 6 years. I’m in the emerging stage.
What a beautiful mini-memoir of your lives together, your dreams of the past, and your dreams restored. I had contemplated NOT going to our area's writers conference this November because it begins the day after the election. My worries of upheaval still haunt me. But, I know just being around others who love words, love stories is worth everything to me, to the little girl inside me who loves books.
I do not know how my parents found their way out of the 1960s stereotype but they did. Both teachers but somewhere they seemed uninterested in others opinions. My dad cooked, baked, grocery shopped, was a wood craft artist, one year he ran my Brownie troop! But, as a young teen, he sat my sisters and I down and explained my mom wanted to get her masters degree and we all were responsible for helping her do so. The only thing he didn’t modify was Monday Methodist men bowling so 3 girls sat at the bar, did homework overseen by a bowling alley of men who took turns checking math and spelling.
They honored each other- as you have-what a blessing for your children.
Shawn, this post has stayed with me and I have mulled it over quite a bit in the past few days. I know that you and Maile both post on your lives regularly, but I wonder if you would consider writing a follow-up, perhaps alone or perhaps jointly, to this post. Where are you now in this endeavor? Yes, I know, a bookshop! But what have been the practices that have gotten you from the first 4-6 p.m. to where you are now, and what does where you are now look like in terms of the whole family working together to meet everyone's needs?
I'm also curious as to how this has played out aside from the professional and writing work. Was this all the lack of a professional life for Maile, or were there other things? I know that for many of us, there is a personal/family culture aspect beyond just a need for time and space to write/do professional things?
I’ll have to think more about this and chat with Mai. In some ways, this is what our podcast was about (The Stories Between Us).
I've only come to your work in the past few months or so. Maybe I need to do a dive into your archives!
Your story about setting aside time for Maile to write, getting the whole family involved, and emphasizing the importance of following dreams is just wonderful. It shows how small changes and open conversations can make a big difference. I’m curious, how did you manage to balance your writing with daily life?
Well, Shawn. Now I'm crying. Doing this as a family is the only way we've even begun to make this work. And for me it's barely working, but that it's working at all, is a gift. It moved me to be reminded, in your example, how much my husband has worked, again and again, to rearrange what little margin there is to help me pursue my gifts beyond home. How my kids have, little by little, learned to champion mom's work as a writer and to pitch in to make the space possible (or even to leave encouraging comments on mom's posts).
This is beautiful Shawn. And a much needed warning for this father of an eight year old daughter who spends her summer days and nights after school writing (and illustrating) stories in little lined journals... May I tend faithfully to the fire that God has given her to carry.
As always, I love the honesty in your writing; thank you for sharing your story with us. Isn't it beautiful how God calls us to Himself, even in all the twists and turns?
Annnnd now I'm crying. What a beautiful, heart wrenching conversation to have and a really difficult pivot to make but dang, it's so important! I love the part where you look your girls in the face and tell them it will be easy to lose themselves, too. And how you and Maile are working on modeling a different way--not perfect, but trying! I will be returning to this. Often. Thank you.
this made me laugh and cry. What a beautiful tale of love and transformation. I am amazed at how so much writing could be done in six years!